吾丧我

萼别

<span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times New Roman\'; mso-hansi-font-family: \'Times New Roman\';"><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">我发现我正在消失。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">他不是清晰地如抽长的庄稼般带着夜里的咔嚓咔嚓声那样地消失——那样我还能保留对消失的记忆——，他是在麻木中隐隐被发现触摸不到了，彻底触摸不到了，为了一个安定的体面的饭碗，日复一日地强迫自己改造，当那个我被发现再也触摸不到时，竟然不伴随丝毫痛苦，因为连痛苦也触摸不到了。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times New Roman\'; mso-hansi-font-family: \'Times New Roman\';">只有麻木，此外看不清任何景象，摸不到任何自我的脉搏。还有一个意识在忽闪：他是被他人搞没、挤丢的吗？损害，蒙混，欺骗。挤压，恶意践踏，还有自己的软弱和愚蠢，成了铲除自我足球游戏的最后临门一脚。于是，消失了，没有了。这并非《庄子·齐物论》说起“今者吾丧我”那样轻松，因为他不是飞向了天籁，而是在鄙贱糟烂的困乏中被消磨殆尽了。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span lang="EN-US"><p><font face="Times New Roman">&nbsp;</font></p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">这很悲惨。而我说此话时没有丝毫因悲惨而引起的痛苦感。这是比痛苦更不幸的事吧。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">我将反抗。要么就彻底麻木和消失。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">振翅时，我已经看见了死亡，如同鲁迅肺部开始病变时的阴影透出的死亡气息。我也可因善于慰籍而偷生，把和悦寄托于家人，像周作人那样寄托于他的妻和子，最后他说出：“我眷养了他们，他们就这样对待我。”</span><span lang="EN-US"><p></p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">无论如何，说我自己吧，自我已不能再做丝毫退让，我可以直面死亡，如同面对落日一般，与其天涯咫尺。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">不作个知识者，又作什么呢？</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">2006</font></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">年</span><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">12</font></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">月</span><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">31</font></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">日</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 21pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p></span>

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-1-5 18:40:47编辑过]