时间是记忆的碎片

黄浩

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我还能说点什么呢？三月三到六日，我的外公死了，我没法知道具体时间，他们没有适时的告诉我</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">他们隐瞒了我</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">恰倒好处</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">他们是我的父母，亲戚，朋友，或者其他知情者，我也是知情者之一，待我知道的时候，他已经在葬礼的行进中了。我没有请假，这几个月我已经请了太多的假，容纳我的某个机构出离于愤怒，我想再请一次，这事迟早会发生的，自然这也是他们向我隐瞒时间的原因之一。他们隐瞒，这一段就从我生命中消失了，外公死的有点预料之外，我觉得这很无辜，三方都有点。</span></font></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">这些天我有点惆怅，仅仅惆怅而已，如果我知道这惆怅是为了什么，当然我是知道的，但仅仅惆怅让我充满了负罪和些微刺痛，这比我外公的去世更为强烈。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">我也可以抬头看看夜，长叹一声。这很值得推崇。我干了。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">我也可以抽燃一支烟，插在小区树下的粉末状的土地中，这地显得有些干巴巴的。但我干的还算利索.</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">我也可以在睡梦中寻点记忆。貌似清晰，实则无奈。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">我还可以很激奋，找个执拗的借口对知情者们大加指责。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">这些都做的如此平静，乃至平淡无奇。这反倒让我渗出点恐慌。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">一点该奇怪的也没有，在这几年里，我已经从身心上将外公疏远了。我们罗嗦的对话，浑然不觉说些什么，我们浅薄对望，精力都集中在余下一角，我捏过他干裂的手，就像抚过一块树皮一样随意，毛细血管不为所动，摩挲也感动不了我。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">而在他去世前的某一个下午，我还遭受了他的一番教诲，声音黯哑，细碎，手的力道有些绵软，但生命的迹象却源源不绝，至少，我希望是这样的至少。我不明白他怎么会这样了，是这样而不是我想的那样，在我的印象里，他的精力该与他的气场同样充沛。而他的气场，应该是与后屋幕布后的神台同样稳妥。他们的摆设，方位，角度，工具，都与一个神秘的图案有所关联，他们甚至是没有边际的</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">.</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">神龛上供奉着一位稳妥的将军，他支撑着我外姓家族百年的根基，这些在我懵懂迷惘时早已获知，谁告诉我的，我早已难以清晰，况且我更不知道这百年的能指是过去还是将来，我的历史观和逻辑感始终是口枯井。我就像泥沙里的虫子一样无知</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">.</font></span></font></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">我的电脑有些模糊，这得让我轻轻擦去。几番周折，我找到了一块撵过鼻涕的纸巾。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'"><font size="3">作为一个神棍，外公是个很负责的人，我能提起神龛上的粗劣的七星剑，这对我而言显然是一份殊荣，觊觎持久，我拿着母系家族视为至宝的七星剑，祭起的无限幻想在几下胡乱的挥舞中逐步消解掉了，我转了几圈，身心都显得有点笨重，突然间我觉得这块巨铁开始对我毫无吸引力而言，沉闷，枯燥，这跟我的那点破事搭不上任何边际，我把它还给我外公，我仍然是小心翼翼的，这显得有点机敏和虚伪，他小心的接过，捧到了供龛之上。红布绕在它四周，它享受着丰富的酒水和热肴。香火常年，熏黑了逐渐腐烂的木斗屋檐，我开始觉得有点可笑了，我的崇敬和肃穆也在那一会儿烟消云散。这点想法联络上了我的外公，我的外公拥有很多锦旗，红色衬子下，写着洋溢热情的烫金字体，我的外公很珍惜，我也表示过素来的崇敬，而此刻我有点荒唐，我觉得荒唐，我也很荒唐，那造型稳妥的七星剑，当然还有那前后未知的百年。可笑啊可笑，相形之下，我在那一刻已然是一个信仰飘忽的颓放者。这飘忽一直延续至今，如若至今我还活着，那他将一直伴随着我的颓放活下去。</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">从生理上来说，我已经存在了二十一年了，这决绝的存在源于我父母某一刻的衣衫凌乱，我的细胞结合又分裂，增长又死去，我糊涂又糊涂，清醒又清醒，卸下眼镜，放弃背带裤和运动服，口味挑剔，问题减少，我擅交友，少说话，变的虚假和无措，态度暧昧挪逾。每年回老家，我仍然跪伏于神龛之下，深深的磕上三个头，但祈念的早已是桃花走运，身价大发，口齿伶俐关系和谐</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我跟祖上说起了套话，跟神仙客气起来。每每至此，外公永远不会发现，我的纸烧的那么娴熟，叩拜至如此虔诚，他点燃香三柱，我掂量一番，向我的欲望伸展开去，我想香烧完，要么得到惩罚，要么得到怜悯，那时我太好强，我多少有点拒绝怜悯，这会儿我仍然好强，但我已知道，怜悯是我应得的。而持久不衰的惩罚，则是我拒绝怜悯的偶然下场。在仙人面前，人是多么可怜兮兮的身份啊，也许不是身份，但我真想不出他们管这该叫点什么。我一直叩拜着</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">头点地</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">将泥土紧紧沾满额头</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我叩拜着</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">将这一生都托付给我的自负和模糊</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">.</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我从没估摸过我外公死去的样子</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">他终于死了</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">而这终于</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">也如此遥远淡漠</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我有点无措</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我拜了院子里那颗树</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我甚至没有看清楚它的样子</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">三两个女性的影子走了过来</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我念叨几声</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">匆匆上了楼</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">.</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">外公就这么死掉了</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">.</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我甚至连想都不曾想过</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">.</font></span><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">就被迫知道了</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">.</font></span></font></p>

[此帖子已经被作者于[lastedittime]1189873426[/lastedittime]编辑过]

阿呆

拜读了。标点好乱。

言某

<div class="msgheader">QUOTE:</div><div class="msgborder"><b>以下是引用<i>黄浩</i>在2007-09-15 23:30:19的发言：</b><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;text-indent:21pt;mso-char-indent-count:2.0"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:宋体;mso-ascii-font-family:'times new roman';mso-hansi-font-family:'times new roman'">我还能说点什么呢？三月三到六日，我的外公死了，我没法知道具体时间，他们没有适时的告诉我</span><span lang="EN-US" xmllang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">,</font></span></font></p></div><p>去年,也是三月份,我爷爷去世,等我收到消息赶回去的时候,葬礼已经结束...............</p>