新译以内修

neat

《别时》

(美) 凯利

父亲告诉我别那样做
但我还是摘了一夜的桃子
之后果园依旧，沟渠里的水流淌依旧
那时的我还是个小姑娘，心间自有围起栅栏的花园
多少次攀爬才能将一座果园采完？
我只有一架长长的扶梯和一双茧亮的手
伴着从我头顶流淌而过的星星的张望
一如水喘息着流过沟渠
仿佛诉说着无月的采摘
和那些先于我的采摘者们
我把桃子放进池塘冰凉的水中
并且整晚爬上爬下，整晚我的双手
不停的拧动就像推开一千道门
整晚我的脊背就像一条小路直通天际
渐渐地外乎于仁慈，外乎于
茫茫星野，清晨降临
这一刻如钟般的沉静安宁也降临我的内心
就像铜钟被撞响之后，又在
长久的期待被钟锤的再次敲击
光线穿过整座果园
渠水银质的外衣瞬息不再
在放下最后一枚桃子时我竟看到
——池塘里满是鱼儿和眼睛


The Leaving


(美) 凯利

My father said I could not do it,
but all night I picked the peaches.
The orchard was still, the canals ran steadily.
I was a girl then, my chest its own walled garden.
How many ladders to gather an orchard?
I had only one and a long patience with lit hands
and the looking of the stars which moved right through me
the way the water moved through the canals with a voice
that seemed to speak of this moonless gathering
and those who had gathered before me.
I put the peaches in the pond\'s cold water,
all night up the ladder and down, all night my hands
twisting fruit as if I were entering a thousand doors,
all night my back a straight road to the sky.
And then out of its own goodness, out
of the far fields of the stars, the morning came,
and inside me was the stillness a bell possesses
just after it has been rung, before the metal
begins to long again for the clapper\'s stroke.
The light came over the orchard.
The canals were silver and then were not.
and the pond was--I could see as I laid
the last peach in the water--full of fish and eyes.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-7-26 8:49:21编辑过]

王敖

欢迎

太上老军

lit hands翻译成“茧亮”，合适吗？
当然“茧亮”很有质感，而且很巧妙，但一晚上的操劳只可能打出血泡，不太可能磨出厚茧吧？

And then out of its own goodness, out
of the far fields of the stars, the morning came,
渐渐地外乎于仁慈，外乎于
茫茫星野，清晨降临

意思好像很不明确。我想Out of在此也许应该理解为“出于、来自”，这样理解似乎可以解决上下文的连接问题，那么its own goodness中的its也就是the morning\'s


moonless gathering翻译成“无月的采摘”，很好，有一种省略掉作为中介的主体而带来的迅捷和直接感，还有一种劳作自然呈现的存在感。有时我在想，英语中这种连接很多，直译成汉语后就有了特别的韵味。

and inside me was the stillness a bell possesses
just after it has been rung, before the metal
begins to long again for the clapper\'s stroke.
这一刻如钟般的沉静安宁也降临我的内心
就像铜钟被撞响之后，又在
长久的期待被钟锤的再次敲击

这一段写得很好，翻译似乎偏差比较大
把诗人的原意直白的说出来，应该是：
在我心中充满沉静，这沉静乃是
一口钟在它刚刚被敲响之后，而又在
再次期待被钟舌敲击之前所拥有的（那种）。

full of fish and eyes
不是“鱼的眼睛”，而是“鱼和眼睛”

太上老军

另外，翻译中添加的“修饰性”的成分比较多，比如“盈盈”、“仿佛”、“水银质”等等，在翻译这个诗人这一类型的诗的时候问题不太大，但在翻译一些风格比较硬朗的诗时可能不太合适

另：my chest its own walled garden这一句没太理解

neat

谢谢王敖，希望您多批评帮助。

neat

太上老军说到我很多翻译过程中的困顿之处，有些地方在我再三权衡之后不得不采取一些“柔软化“的手段——硬译过来很吃亏。
修辞的问题也就出在此处。（说起惭愧，有的地方耍了下小聪明，其实不一定是高明）
个别处已被我修改，十分感谢太上老军的意见，希望以后多与您学习交流。

neat

《当你老了》

叶芝

当你老了，双鬓如霜，睡意沉沉，
依偎着炉火打盹，请取下这本书，
慢慢低颂，追忆当年双眸中
柔美的光芒和幽深的晕影。

多少人曾真情假意地，爱慕你青春的倩影，
爱慕你如花的美貌，唯有一人
爱你那朝圣者的心，爱你
日益凋零的脸庞上淡然的哀戚。

在炉栅旁，你佝偻着，
低语着，带着朦胧的伤感，
爱情是怎样逝去，怎样爬上山巅
又怎样在繁星之间藏起了容颜。


When You are Old
                                          

When you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

neat

作为W.B.YEATS传世之经典，这首《when you are old》已经有很多的版本，但都觉不足，所以也译这一首。 不当之处请批。

neat

《尘世玫瑰》

谁曾想美丽如梦而逝？
红唇如是，满含哀叹的骄傲
哀叹再无可期的奇迹降临：
特洛伊在冲天葬火中焚毁，
尤斯纳的孩子们纷纷夭折。

我们和辛劳的世界一起
被人类的灵魂穿透，
它们像冬日里的激流奔涌
在泡沫般流转的星空下，
靠孤独者的面容存活。

天使们，在你们微暗的藏身之处鞠躬吧：
在你们降世之前，或第一声心脏的跳响之前
善良的劳顿者徘徊在神座下；
神把这世界造成一条青青大道
在她游牧的脚前。



THE ROSE OF THE WORLD

Yeats

Who dreamed that beauty passes like a dream?
For these red lips, with all their mournful pride,
Mournful that no new wonder may betide,
Troy passed away in one high funeral gleam,
And Usna’s children died.

We and the labouring world are passing by:
Amid men’s souls, that waver and give place
Like the pale waters in their wintry race,
Under the passing stars, foam of the sky,
Lives on this lonely face.

Bow down, archangels, in your dim abode:
Before you were, or any hearts to beat,
Weary and kind one lingered by His seat;
He made the world to be a grassy road
Before her wandering feet.


《飘叶》

叶芝

秋天摩挲着恋世的叶子飘然而至
轻抚麦捆中蜷缩起身子的田鼠；
它染黄我们头顶上浆果的叶子,
又染黄湿漉漉的野草莓的睡裙。

在时光的围城中，爱意已然凋零
困倦了  我们忧伤的心灵;
分手吧,在激情尚存之前,
在你低垂的额上留下一滴眼泪  和一个轻吻。


The falling of the leaves

Yeats

Autumn is over the long leaves that love us,
And over the mice in the barley sheaves;
Yellow the leaves of the rowan above us,
And yellow the wet wild-strawberry leaves.
The howr of the waning of love has beset us ,
And weary and worn are our sad souls now;
Lets us part ,ere the season of passion forget us,
With a kiss and a tear on thy drooping brow.

neat

《湖心岛茵纳斯弗利》

我即将动身，去茵纳斯弗利，
用泥土和茅草，搭一座小屋：
支起九行豆角架，再钉个蜂箱
在蜂群的歌唱中独居。

我将享受款款而至的安宁：
从清晨的面纱到蟋蟀的低吟之所。
午夜清辉闪耀，正午紫日茫茫
黄昏的天空铺满了红雀的翅膀。

我即将动身，因为日日夜夜我都听到
湖水轻吻着堤岸喘息；
不论站在马路上还是灰色的人行道上
我都在内心深处听见那悠悠的水声。


THE LAKE ISLE OF INNISFREE

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight\'s all a-glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet\'s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear the water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,
I hear it in the deep heart\'s core.